It seems like wherever I go, whoever I meet, I’m looking for the people that I love. I look into the eyes and the lives of strangers and acquaintances hoping to see my family. It’s not that I’m looking to replace all of you who I love so dearly, it’s more like I’m looking to catch parts of you in unexpected places in hopes that it will tide me over until we can all be together again. And as much as I long for the time when we will all be together for good, I feel that as the end of my two year commitment draws closer, I am more assured that this is not the end of my adventure. Fortunately, I am reminded that though it is painful for me to be apart from so many loved ones, God knows exactly what I can bear and he has entrusted me with this gift and burden–this small amount of “suffering” that I hope he uses to refine my character. For though God had one son without sin, he had no sons without suffering–I know that though I may do “right” and “good” (sometimes, by the grace of God) that pain is a part of life, and a part in which I can find kinship with Christ.
One theme of life that I’m currently discovering in my teaching position is how desperately people need to be taught. And not only school children, but all of us. How are we to know how to live if we do not see it modeled for us? How are we to know how to act if we are not guided in our practice? How will we come to maturity in life or in faith without someone to lead the way? I am fortunate to have had tremendous models and teachers in my life (many of you out there fall into this category for me) yet I still want more.
I thirst for understanding and guidance in my spiritual life. I realize more and more how necessary community is for our spiritual well-being. Christianity was never meant to be a set of private beliefs that take up residence within an individual. Christianity is HARD. The calling is arduous without community–and I believe God designed it to be so to bring us together in fellowship that we might discover the richness of love in community (the true nature of the trinity). Yet it is difficult to maintain community without some discipline.
This has been a major challenge for me as I’ve transitioned out of college where friends and mentors abound. Now I must WORK at establishing and maintaining friendships, especially since I spend so much of my workday isolated from my peers. I have to say I haven’t been very disciplined this year when it comes to setting up boundaries for my work and establishing time that is for my personal and social life.
Right now it seems like I’m just counting down the days until Thanksgiving break (16 teaching days) and hoping that nobody will notice when I’m doing a poor job of teaching. Even writing this, it’s crazy because I realize that I’m not a bad teacher, I just feel like one because I can see what I need to do to improve (and what needs doing in general) and I know that I’m not going to do it either because it’s physically impossible to work that hard or because I refuse to make myself crazy doing it. But, man, it still really sucks to see the good that I could do and know that I can’t quite do it. Such is why I have a growing passion for educational policy–if I could change the structure of our educational systems and policies, then ideally all teachers and administrators would know the good that they need to do and be able and equipped to do it. And think of what that would mean for student achievement and teacher satisfaction and retention!
I apologize for the haphazard organization of this blog… I hope you can see the threads of (my personal) logic that connect each of these ideas together. I write this with much love and affection for my family who I am thinking of and praying for daily. You are not far from my heart.
Caley